Some thoughts on my life

33-that is how old I am. Well, 33 and a little more than half at this point. So, I am no spring chicken. But I am also not over the hill, at least I don't think so. Is 30 the new 20 or the new 40? I can't keep track. At any rate, us generation x-ers are kind of caught in a strange spot, at least a lot of the ones I know and talk to. Yes, of course there are plenty of us who are right where we wanted to be at this point; doctors, lawyers, pastors, teachers, etc. But there are plenty of us who either graduated and got our MRS degrees and then had children or who continued on with school and are now graduating with masters and PhDs with very few options for employment in the current climate. I am one of those MRS and children folks, and don't get me wrong, I would not change the path I took for anything, but I often wonder where I would be and what I would be doing had I not gotten married right out of college. And that gets me wondering what I would do if I could go back to work right now. I am not all that qualified for anything. I have a BA in English Lit. So, I can read and write and talk to you until I am blue in the face about themes and under currents in various classic novels or bring you up to speed on Dante's Inferno. Know anyone who is hiring with those criteria? I didn't think so. I have done clerical work and my last job was actually pretty cool, some technical writing and other things, but again, that was almost 7 years ago!! Ugh, who would hire me now? That gets me thinking about going back to school. But of course several questions come up; what would I study and how would I pay for it? It is one thing to be a stay at home mom with a wonderful husband who works so hard so I can be with the kids during these formative years, but it is quite another to be a stay at home mom who then has to take classes when she has time all the while asking more from her husband who already works like a dog! We could make it work, I know that, but is that a stress I want to add to our lives right now? Not really. Plus there is the whole issue of what would I study? My immediate inclination is to study something recession proof, like medical transcription or pharmacy tech, but those don't make me stand up and yell "woohoo!" when I talk about them. So then I think, what do I want to do? And that is where I get stumped. I don't know. I would love to be a photographer, but that is a slow and expensive career to pursue and it will cost me in the beginning and who knows if I will ever make enough money for it to be worthwhile! I love creating things and sewing and crocheting, but those don't pull in the big bucks either. Not that I want big bucks, it would just be nice to have regular bucks, even just a few.

So I get to this point in my thinking and realize that a small finger has been poking my leg for who knows how long and a small voice has been saying "mommy, guess what?" who knows how many times and I am reminded of where my priorities and my heart are at the moment. I look down to see my two year old with that gleem in his eye, he wants to tell me a knock knock joke. He usually makes them up, something like "knock, knock" (who's there) "I love you" (I love you who?) "I love you, get outta here!" Then he throws his head back and says "ohhhh" and laughs. Then I hear my older two upstairs playing with legos, building, taking apart, and rebuliding their new Lego Star Wars ships. They are laughing and pretending and I can't help but smile. Now don't get me wrong, my days are not all knock knock jokes and brotherly love. It is about 50/50 with the niceness and the constant bickering and whining. Like right now they are arguing about, I am not really even sure, but there is a lot of "what do you think you are doing" and " I'm telling mommy!" Luckily the two year old is napping, but that didn't come easy either. Some days I feel like I really have a handle on this parenting thing, and especially the stay at home mom thing. Some days, not so much. Some days I realize they have been watching TV for 47 hours and haven't eaten one fruit or vegetable and haven't been bathed for days. Other days we have been to the museum and the grocery store all before lunch and the two year old goes down for a nap with a new diaper! Those are good days, and they don't happen regularly. I feel like a terrible mom on the days when we don't do anything, just stay at home, but at the same time, what mom can do something or plan something every single day?! Well, I know they are out there, but I am not one of them. Things will change once school starts and there is less time for TV and video games and that will be a welcome change for all of us. But I have to keep reminding myself that I am not perfect. But I also think I am a pretty good mom. For instance, today was Dom's orientation for his pre-kindergarten. It was a lot sitting around in the heat listening to grown-ups talk about things that could have easily been printed on a sheet and handed out. Dom kept whispering to me "I'm bored." I would whisper back "me too, but we need to listen for just a few more minutes." He sat so nicely, albeit making some pretty hilarious bored faces. Then we went to the classroom and the teacher asked all the kids to sit on the rainbow rug while she pointed out the different areas in the room. Immediately a groups of mostly boys started kicking each other and taking things off shelves and making a lot of noise. I looked around, expecting one of them to be Dom, but instead he was sitting quietly, with his bored face on, waiting for the teacher to finish talking. I was so proud. I kept waiting for the parents of the loud boys to step in, but they didn't. The teacher finally asked them to settle down and they sort of listened. It occurred to me that if nothing else, I am raising children who know how to behave in a classroom and around other adults and children. At least I hope so. That's not to say they won't act up or get in trouble, that is part of being a kid, and especially being a boy, but for the most part I think even with PJ and TV days notwithstanding, they are turning out pretty great. I might be biased, but I might also be right. So, when I think about what I want to do, I have to admit, I am doing it. It isn't always easy and I don't always feel like doing it and of course I complain, but who doesn't about their job? Ok, maybe the Pope, but you never know. I have been blessed with an amazing family, the most wonderful husband, the coolest kids, and the knowledge that what I am doing now does mean something. I am preparing my children to one day be productive, responsible citizens. At least they will be able to sit still and listen in class, which is more than I can say for a lot of the kids out there. I just hope I can remember this at 4:30 pm today when all three are whining about being hungry, there are toys EVERYWHERE, and all I want is to lay down and rest. I will let you know.