When I was in high school my friends and I sometimes pretended to be writers for Saturday Night Live. The funniest part of that was that I wasn’t allowed to watch that show, so clearly the material we came up with would never have made it on late night, but it was hilarious to us. Things like a really fat person going into a restroom stall and going #1 for like 3 minutes and coming out thin and gorgeous. Yes, that was humorous to my 13 year old friends and myself. This was well before Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, or any of the other amazing SNL female writers and stars who made being a funny girl more than simply being the stupid blonde. Women were and are truly funny, and smart, and notice things, and have the ability to relate these observations in a funny way. Am I one of those people, well, no, but I do observe things. Often the things I observe are funny, so by default when I retell what I have seen I in turn seem funny. This is actually a trick us non-funny girls use a lot.
So, that brings me to my list of things I have observed recently (I was going to go back and try and list everything I have ever observed and thought interesting, but then realized that wasn’t in any way interesting to anyone else. In fact, this sentence has me bored as it is.)
1. When you think you are going to just “run in” to the grocery store to pick up a few key items you will a) come to realize that there is some sort of holiday or sporting event going on that day that you didn’t remember or know about and the place will be packed with last minute shoppers. b) As a result of said events you will get stuck behind the one person in line who wants to pay by check, and cash, and gold dabloons, and has 7,000 coupons. c) This same person will be parked next to you and will take a ridiculous amount of time to load their car and will have all the doors open so it is impossible for you to leave first (and they will be completely oblivious to this fact.) And if you are like me, you will wait, thinking that they will have to realize what they are doing at some point, right? But they don’t, and then the moment has passed, so you wait.
2. Even the best laid dinner plans go awry. Don’t try springing salmon or even chicken that isn’t in nugget form on your kids when company is over. They will forego their usual grunts of disgust and instead go for the Oscar-worthy eye rolls, gagging and “I HATE THIS FOOD!” They have, of course, never tried this food, but that isn’t really the point. Just serve your kids mac n cheese when you have company and everyone can enjoy a nice quiet meal.
3. Regardless of their boundless energy while in the house (jumping from couch to couch, chasing each other, chasing the cat, chasing each other chasing the cat) when you tell your kids you are going on a walk they will all spontaneously collapse to the floor and moan. Even if said walk ends with ice cream. This entices them at first, but don’t be fooled, you will end up carrying your 50 pound 4 year old halfway through the walk, and possibly the entire walk home.
4. Pets are great.
5. Pets are a pain in the butt.
6. Never take a grandparent’s free babysitting for granted. I am seriously considering re-entering the babysitting field. I am pretty sure I could make more than Joe if I played my cards right. So, if you have free babysitting, ever, say thank you, a lot.
7. You can never have too many pairs of flip flops.
8. At age 33, if you are a woman, you will realize you need under-eye and anti-wrinkle cream. You won’t start buying it until you are 35. You will regret those lost two years of wrinkle-fighting.
9. There is nothing quite like an un-solicited hug or kiss from your child. I don’t think kids share this same sentiment, but give your hugs and kisses freely while they will at least tolerate them.
10. Whoever invented TIVO/DVR deserves some sort of Nobel prize. Not having to watch commercials, instant kids shows whenever I need them, being able to watch a week’s worth of TV in 3 hours of laundry washing and folding, it is truly priceless.
Ok, I will stop there for now, but will continue to add to this list and things occur to me. Feel free to add to it as well!
No comments:
Post a Comment